So… may I share a secret?

I don’t know what to do with Easter.

Here’s the thing… I was scientist once upon a time. I still process the world that way. Yes, I may have come out as an ‘N’ the last time I took a Myers-Briggs test. Doesn’t matter. I still have a lot of ‘S’ buried inside. I analyze and test.

Everything. All the time.

And even when I act as an ‘N’ (which may or may not be a lot of the time now), I still have the ‘S’ part of me lurking nearby. And here’s the problem:

You can’t test the resurrection.

It’s a one-time experiment. You can’t reproduce it. There isn’t a control. You just have to believe. You have to have faith.

And if you don’t have faith, that’s going to be a problem, right? After all, “if Christ has not been raised, then… your faith has been in vain.”

And there’s my problem…

On my better days, I might have faith. But today may not be one of my better days. Today I might be agnostic about the resurrection.

That’s an awful feeling during Holy Week.

Here I am at seminary, supposedly in training to shepherd God’s children, and I can’t bring myself to say that I believe in the resurrection. Who’s going to shepherd me?

“He is risen! He is risen indeed!”

Nope. Sorry—I can’t force it.

Here’s all I’ve got left: In my experience, if there’s going to be any goodness or beauty or love in this world, it’s going to look like God’s kingdom. It’s going to look like Jesus’s love. And I have to believe—I have to hope—that God isn’t going to let those things just die. I have to hope in resurrection. I have to live like there’s resurrection. Otherwise, I’d have no hope at all.

Someone has told me that the Greek word that gets translated as ‘faith’ could also be understood as ‘faithfulness’. I sure hope so, since that’s where I am this Easter… being faithful.

Because faith is in short supply right now.