Random trick-or-treating observations

Trick-or-treating is happening now (4:00 – 7:00 pm) in our town.  Here are my random observations…

• According to Ordinary Spouse, we had 40+ children the first year.  Numbers are down since then.
• Love the parents with one-year-old children.  Guess who’s getting candy tonight?
• If I’m the one answering our door, you better not simply hold out a bag.  I’m likely to take something out of it.
• It’s great fun when you get kids you know.  You can offer them green beans or tuna or other random canned foods that you know they don’t like.  You get sad looks, but they’re too shy to say anything.  That’s my idea of a trick.  (Don’t worry – I make up for it.)
• Love the kid who just came to the door.  Probably three years old.  He took one thing and said he wanted “two!”  Sure, I said.  So he took another, and said “two!”  At this point, I just let him go at it and waited to see when his mom would stop him.  Two became five.
• Ordinary Spouse has a theory for dealing with the candy that comes home to our house.  Let them eat it all right away, crash and burn from the sugar high, and then we’re done with it.
• According to Ordinary Spouse, Youngest Daughter wasn’t sure that she wanted to go trick-or-treating.  But after the second house, she figured out what was happening.  Then she charged along.
• Ordinary Spouse just asked, so I checked:  It’s 44 deg F out there.  That’s why they came home with ice cubes for hands.

Left: candy consumed.  Right: candy rejected.

This week in the “garden”… 31 October 2009

It’s October 31st and I’ve just finished picking up the leaves* in our back yard – really early this year.  I’ve put “garden” in quotes, because I only have one garden picture – and it’s all brown.

* I’ve finished, but it was Ordinary Spouse who made most of the piles.  Thanks!

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The Mother’s Day garden has mostly gone into dormancy for the winter.

There are a few leaves left on our tree, but not many…

…since most of them are here.

Sun sets over the back yard.

Looking to the future, part 2

(Mister Guest Complacent left some nice questions for me after reading a recent post.  Rather than pondering them in the comments area, I thought I’d process them here…)

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Ah, the little questions of life. OS is quite right that one never knows where one will end up. Who would have figured 2 years ago that I’d be responding to you from the beach in Bali (insert comment about my lame beach activities here).

Ah – pastoral guidance from my own family.  Nice.  Since you already mentioned the beach activities, I don’t need to raise the issue of trusting the wisdom of someone who mixes your skin color with the sun. 

As one who did leave grad school for ministerial ambitions (a decision never regretted)…

I’m trying to recall how you processed the decision ahead of time, though.  (I remember some of the details regarding ‘where’ you processed – let’s leave those out.)  As for me, I know that I can question my motivations (good) or over-analyze (paralyzing).  However, at some very basic level, I know that I’ll (we’ll) know the choice when it arrives.  That allows me to be content, even in my impatience.  I value the Jesuit tradition of consolation/desolation.

There would be several comments I would make:  1) I never left that self-interest behind.

Yes, I realize that, which is why your current position seems obvious to me, although I don’t know Mrs.GC’s strengths well enough to know how they fit in exactly.  Processing the whole family thing might be a good topic of future conversation.

This has been an area of struggle, since there has always been a disconnect for me between faith and synchrotron science.  In hindsight, I might have chosen a more biological or environmental course of study after my time at Laurelville.  That’s wisdom to pass on to the next generation, at this point.

2) It was much easier to do as a single, even though the change was still tough.

In some ways, I’ve never been single when considering these decisions.  OS and I have been dating or married for over eighteen years.

3) There were more intermediary steps I could have taken that would have been less drastic.

I’ll pick up on this below.

4) Good lay ministry is just as important, or more so, than professional ministry.

Yes, I know.  And yet…  There is always the ‘and yet’.  I’m left with a sense of desolation.  (That sounds worse than it actually is.  Rather, there is an intuitive sense that I shouldn’t be surprised when the choice for professional ministry comes along – that I should expect it to come along.  I don’t know if that makes sense.)

Actually, come to think of it – I’d be very interested in exploring full-time lay ministry.  I’m just not sure who is doing that.

As I look back at #3…

I hear your wisdom on this point.  I have the opportunity now to explore questions about various options or choices.  I also have the chance to look at my own personality, weaknesses, strengths, and so forth.  As you noted – the issues I raised in the “Congregational update” post touch on all of the above.  And I can do all of this pondering without the pressure of an impending decision to be made.

All the best as you envision you bigger life picture and enjoy the ministry opportunities that arise and fill in that vision.

Thanks.  I imagine we’ll talk some more about this…

Congregational update

I’ve been meaning to give an update on the state of things in my congregation for a while now.  I know that some of my earlier posts may have been confusing to those looking in from the outside, so I’ll try start with a very brief summary of things.

Those who have read my blog before know that the congregation was going through a process to discern whether to extend membership to same-gender couples in committed relationships.  We had a very painful meeting on Pentecost Sunday of this year (May 31st) that ended badly.  However, despite what might have been assumed from reading my reactions to that meeting, our process did not conclude with that meeting.  Rather, the process continues, although it has been put on hold for a time.

(On the other hand, some people have left our congregation.  My friends, who were most directly impacted by our congregational process, needed to leave for their own health.  Others left based on conviction one way or another.  Some people decided to take a vacation from the congregation, but returned later.  And so on.)

Since our congregation is pretty mobile, especially in the summer, we put off further action until the fall.  In the interim, we decided that in order to move forward we needed some new tools – new ways of communicating, of telling our stories and listening to others tell theirs.  We have brought in two mediators from KIPCOR to work with us. 

Their first visit was earlier this month on Sunday, October 4th.  I had a somewhat unsettling experience that day.  Our meetings were during the Sunday school hour and then again after potluck.  As I came to our meeting space, I struggled to join the group that had already started meeting.   Mentally, I just had a very hard time.  Finally, I found a chair in the corner and listened from there.  The meeting after the potluck was even harder – I never did join that one, although I was able to listen because the sound system was on.

I’m not exactly sure why I reacted the way I did, and I wasn’t pleased with myself.  In theory, I was glad that the mediators were there, but I felt tired – like I had dealt with things all summer, even though the congregation as a whole was waiting for fall – and didn’t want to go through things again.  It is also possible (though I discounted it then) that returning from Australia only twelve hours earlier had something to do with my emotional state.

The folks from KIPCOR will be back in the middle of November, and they’ve asked us to consider this question:

What is the one story you would like to share with others that will help them be able to understand your experience related to the events of the past 12 months?

Again, I don’t particularly look forward to this time, and I’m not at all happy with that feeling.  Partly, I don’t know where to begin with my story.  Partly, I don’t want to tell it again.  And I’m still tired.  So I’ve got some preparation to do.  Here are the other questions that I (we) have been asked to consider between now and then:

What is God saying to me in the midst of struggle?

What is the one thing I am doing to help the congregation resilient?

Am I cultivating a sense of respect and humility?

Can I maintain a sense of wonder?

Where am I seeing God at work?

Am I taking care of myself?

Did I laugh with others today?

Am I spending time in prayer with the freedom to be honest with God?

Quack, quack, quack!

It’s a weird end for October weather.  It’s fairly warm (65 deg F), but it’s raining cats and dogs.  Here’s the map (from Wunderground):

I’ve seldom seen such a well-defined band of rain moving across the country, and I thought that it was in the process of moving out of Illinois.  But in fact, that low pressure system parked at the confluence of the Mississippi and Ohio Rivers is spinning stuff up from the south.  So we’ve got a bit more rain before things clear up – hopefully by late tonight.  We’ve had two inches of precip so far.

In other ordinary family news, we continue to battle last Sunday’s malaise.  No one is incredibly sick at this point – at worst, some of us still have bad cold symptoms.  However, the symptoms come and go and change and linger and…  Well, after a week of this, we’re ready to be done with it.  Last weekend, Youngest Daughter said, “I say, ‘Boo-boo!’ and ‘Boo-boo’ make you better!”  We need her to say ‘Boo-boo’ a few more times.

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Weather update (five hours later):

I overestimated the amount of time it would take for this weather system to blow through.  When I left work, it was no longer raining and there were breaks in the clouds.  But it also got cold.

Now at home, we have a really colorful sunset.  And the interesting thing about the sunsset is that we are actually able to see it.  That’s a rarity since the leaves on our tree are usually still hanging on at this point (and blocking the view out our window).

Looking to the future

Here’s another blog entry that is mostly for my own benefit – something I’m jotting down now, so that I have a reference point if I ever wish to look back.  In some ways, this is one of those areas where I struggle with discerning (like I blogged a few days ago).  Who knows – maybe by throwing this out, someone will chime in with some wise new insight.

I have thought (for a decade, maybe more) that I’d eventually be involved more full-time in Church work of some kind.  The seeds of this thinking may have been planted while I was camp counselor at Laurelville during the summer after my high school graduation.  The next summer, I struggled between choosing a research internship or counseling again.  I chose the science path, but I now I remember that summer as being more about spiritual than intellectual growth.  After living in Costa Rica for a semester and being encouraged by my host family to consider pastoral ministry, I returned to Laurelville for a full year of voluntary service.  I wanted some time to sort through things, and I actually ended up adding a second science major after that year was finished.  And yet the questioning continued…  Throughout the rest of my undergraduate time, I was prodded by an anonymous professor encouraging me to consider a pastor inquiry program.

Once I was in graduate school, I started thinking more seriously about seminary.  It didn’t hurt that Ordinary Spouse and I were attending a congregation with a tradition of lay leadership and that we had the opportunity to actively participate in that.  However, OS wisely pointed out that it’s not a good idea to make career changing decisions when you’re frustrated by graduate research.  So we persevered.

While I was doing a postdoc, we were once again in a congregation that gave me a chance to be involved in leadership.  However, we weren’t there long, and now the last five years have found us in our current home and congregation.  The sense of nudging seems to continue, but I continue as a beamline scientist.

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So, why is that?  There are a few things which factor into discernment right now:

1) I enjoy my job.  In fact, it’s the best science job I could ask for.  It also pays well enough that Ordinary Spouse has the freedom to pursue whatever path she wants – including being a full-time mom.  This is a good situation to be in when considering a change of direction.

2) Ordinary Spouse really enjoys the work that she is doing with our congregation right now.  This is the story that I haven’t told above.  My story is actually part of our family’s story.  Both OS and I feel called to Church ministry, and she has found what seems to be a very good fit as our congregation’s Lay Minister of Worship.  It suits her passions well.  Whatever my future holds will compliment her future.

3) I don’t know what I’d pursue if I started seminary.  There’s a decent chance that it wouldn’t be a traditional pastoring job.  More on this below.

4) We live in a good place for raising a family.  A good house, a good community, schools, etc.

5) I know that I’m susceptible to being distracted by whatever is new.  Hobbies, music, etc.  I’ll try something for a while and then I’ll try something else.  I’m not sure that this is a good approach to vocational choices.  This ties into my blog from a few days ago – how well am I able to judge my own motivations?

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So, what might the future look like?  Where are my passions?  Why not pastoring?

1) First, I haven’t ruled out a traditional path, but I have the impression that there is a sizeable chunk of time that pastors put into teaching: preparing and delivering sermons, Sunday school lessons, other engagements.  I enjoy being a learner, but I’m not sure about the regular teaching.  But is that different from exploring things on my blog?  We’ll see.

2) On the other hand, there is quite a bit that pastors do that excites me.  In particular, I love worship planning and leading.  Also, I am drawn to the actual pastoring – the pastoral care part of their jobs.

3) I constantly hunger for greater spiritual discipline in my own life, and I enjoy working with others, as well.  Work with spiritual direction interests me.

4) Creation continues to draw me, as it did when I worked at Laurelville.  In fact, the entire ministry of Christian camps is very attractive.  When done well, these camps offer a very holistic approach to faith that integrates every aspect of life, rather than segregating them.

5) Recently, I have a new passion for community, with an emphasis on the unity of Christ’s disciples.  Maybe there is room for mediation and reconciliation work.

So that’s where I am as the end of 2009 rolls around.  If I could create my own job, I might do spiritual direction at a church camp for individuals or groups part time, while travelling to work with groups at direction or mediation work the rest of the time.  Ordinary Spouse and I often say something like, “Who knows where we’ll be in five or eight years.”  I guess we’ll see.

Of discernment and trees in the fall

I hope that I occasionally write something in my blog that is insightful or stimulates someone’s thinking.  Or if I’m writing about my family, I hope that it’s sufficiently entertaining that you (the reader) smile even if you don’t know us.

However, sometimes I write for myself, and all the words just sort of wander around and get nowhere.  It’s like the pensieve in the Harry Potter series.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with the books, the pensieve is a handy magical device which is useful when your mind is cluttered and you’d like to remove the extraneous information.  You can get rid of the extra thoughts and memories, and come back and review them later at your leisure.  It’s quite useful when you need to think clearly.  And that’s what my blog helps me to do sometimes: clear my head so that I can think and hear and see.

This is not a problem with a journal (as my wife points out).  You don’t have to apologize to anyone for the drivel that makes it into words.  Alas, I don’t journal.  I blog.  And you poor souls who might be using Google Reader (or some other aggregator) to look at my blog get this junk delivered as quickly as I can type it.

Today’s junk involves my lunchtime walk.

There is an incredibly gorgeous tree very close to my office.  I can’t tell you what type it is, and I haven’t tried to identify it.  (It’s something decorative that was planted to enhance the landscape.)  I think for most of the year I wouldn’t even notice it.  But for a few days during the fall, it becomes a whole forest of colored leaves compressed into one tree.  The leaves closest to the trunk remain green the longest.  Slightly farther out, one encounters the yellow, and then the red.  But the red keeps coming – the first red ones are calm and soothing, the succeeding ones are almost overwhelming in their intensity.  Eventually, the red becomes a deeper, more noble and stately shade which transforms into purple.  In due time, all of these will turn brown as they dry and then fall off.  But during this week, all of the colors are present at one time.  I can’t recall other trees that are this varied in their fall coloration.

In a bit of a minor panic today, I realized that the weather would soon be too cold for enjoyable walking, so I dashed outside and began my walk toward that tree.  As it turns out, walking has some of the same pensieve-like benefits as blogging.

Lately, I’ve reflected a bit on how well I know myself.  What are the things that motivate me?  What are reasons that I believe the way I do?  How often do I frame my life (thoughts, ideas, words) in such a way that they make me look good?  How much of what I do or say is motivated entirely by the need to maintain a certain facade?  Am I able to judge myself?  I doubt it.

(Some of these thoughts were in the ‘Humility’ blog a few days ago.  I think that community plays an important part in addressing some of these concerns about discernment.  But that’s not today’s blog.)

As I walked, I also thought a bit about Friends’ Meetings.  (I’ve never been to one of their “Meetings for Worship”, although sometime I’d like to visit one.  Nevertheless, here I’m only describing something I’ve read, but not observed.)  At some Meetings, they’ll sit in silence, while waiting for someone to hear a word to be shared with the entire group.  And I wondered how the Friends judge what they’re hearing.  How do they sift through everything?  Do they ever come together for meeting and spend the entire time in silence?  Maybe they could go for weeks without saying a thing.

I wish that discernment were as easy as picking out the most breathtaking, colorful trees.  But sometimes, it is the not-so-bright ones that are native and best suited to the environment that are the ones that you’re looking for.

And that’s what we get on an overcast fall day in northeastern Illinois.

The most amazingest contraption ever

Just overheard from the living room…  Middle Daughter to Youngest Daughter as she is looking out the front window:

Come quick!  This is the most amazingest contraption evee*!

* ever

And there goes the garbage truck.

Portrait of a closet

Last Friday, I blogged my five favorite colors.  As my Ordinary Spouse so insightfully commented, there is a striking resemblance between my favorite colors and my closet.  Little did she know that I already had that blog planned.

I went through my closet, and very quickly estimated the amount of each color on the clothes that I regularly wear.  (Suits, jackets, pajamas, etc. not included.  It’s not like the suits and jackets make up a major portion of my wardrobe anyway.  And it’s not like I should be referring to them in the plural.)

Anyway, I threw together a graphical representation of the clothes, and here’s the result: A Portrait of a Closet.

The joys of daughters

I have had tons of schooling, but I’m not sure that much of anything has prepared me to be the father of three daughters.  As an example, here are two of the games that we played today:

Angelina Ballerina

Here’s the box…

You’ll notice that this is “the game you play by dancing”.  Whoa, boy.  I’m in trouble.

As you travel around the game board, you put together the various steps of your dance.  This is me.  Graceful, huh?

The successful player will create a dance with four moves.  The result is supposed to look something like this card:

Then you have the privilege of performing your dance.  For me, that always turns out like this:

Fancy Nancy

I suppose that ‘Fancy Nancy’ is conceptually much like ‘Angelina’.  You travel around the board collecting fancy stuff.  There seems to be quite a bit of pink on this one…

This time, I look like this with my outfit complete:

It’s great fun for everyone when I provide running commentary as I collect my fancy stuff.  In this case, I have a crown in each hand and my mouth stuffed with food (pizza and ice cream).

So eat your heart out – I live in a house full of princesses.